Analecto

9 de novembro de 2012

Chocante?

Filed under: Saúde e bem-estar — Tags:, , , — Yurinho @ 01:59

Possibilities. Kids, I might be gay. Have been recently feeling palpitations and recurring fantasies that aren’t very fetishy towards classmates. I used to believe I was attracted to my kinks and not by people themselves, but I have been getting an urge to cuddle with some classmates and fantasizing about it makes my heart beat faster and my breath get shorter. It could be a manifestation of my attraction to pudgyness, however, since I don’t think on things that are explicitly sexual; I still feel nothing towards sex, even if I go nuts without pawing and I could paw someone else just fine. But I much prefer the idea of pawing a male. I thought I wasn’t gay because these were extremely kinky attractions, I couldn’t define if I was attracted to the kink or to the person and I still can’t. But if I feel my body [is] reacting this way (nothing from waist down, but arousal doesn’t manifestate only below the waist), I think I could be gay, as I surely never felt this way towards girls, even if the girl plays the fetish. Though I like cuddly parts of the female body, it isn’t in the same intensity, but the idea of cuddling with a girl (without the boring perfume some use and without a lot of words) is attracting nonetheless. While I don’t think it’s bad at all, I like to keep my emotions in check and being in a relationship brings a lot of responsabilities I’m not willing to take, ever. But having these feelings, that are new for me, I feel my reason being suspended for a while. I don’t want to do something I might regret and I hope these feelings don’t get out of paw. And I think the fandom played a big role developing my fetishes. Now I see someone who seems to meet the requeriments that fantasy characters meet when I fantasize about them. Viewed: 23 times Added: 1 day, 5 hours ago Friends Only: yes

Relutei em falar sobre isto. É uma possibilidade, de fato. Mas isso não é o que me preocupa mais. Achei que mencionar minha sexualidade neste jornal seria relevante, contudo. O que realmente me angustia é o fato de que uma parte de mim finalmente acordou para os relacionamentos, aos vinte anos. Mas eu não posso, em nenhuma hipótese, me permitir entrar numa relação desse tipo com alguém. “Desse tipo?”, alguém pode pensar. É, do tipo que você é mais que amigo. Eu não posso, nem com mulheres, nem com homens. “Por quê?”

  1. Limitação da liberdade.
  2. Mudança de hábitos.
  3. Esforço.
  4. Possibilidade de não-aceitação por parte do parceiro.
  5. Possibilidade de fracasso absoluto.
  6. Possibilidade de resfriamento.
  7. Ciúme.

Estas e outras são as razões que me impedem de me relacionar dessa forma com alguém, responsabilidades que eu não quero tomar e riscos que não quero correr. Não posso dizer que estou totalmente feliz com minha situação no momento porque parte de mim quer alguém como companhia e estou negando isso, mas acredito que estou mais feliz assim do que eu possivelmente estaria se eu namorasse. A raposa me disse que eu deveria tentar e tentou minar todos os meus argumentos. No final, fingi que aceitei sua sugestão, mas, sendo ela cinco anos mais nova que eu, provavelmente é o tipo de jovem que se deixa levar pelo momento e faz decisões do tipo “faça o que seu coração mandar”. Disse que eu não devo me preocupar com possibilidades, que possibilidades nada significam. Se nada significassem, Kierkgaard não teria escrito Aut-Aut.

Eu me preocupo, sim, com possibilidades e não posso, como uma pessoa dotada do mínimo de bom-senso, fazer o que meu coração mandar, pelo menos não o tempo todo. Não estou dizendo que todos estão errados em serem felizes com seus relacionamentos, mas eu não vejo benefício nisso, nem à curto prazo, nem à longo prazo. A palavra “benefício” na frase anterior significa “aspectos positivos que superam os negativos”. O que estou dizendo é que, pelo menos para mim, uma relação amorosa me traria mais males que bens e que, no final, não valeria a pena e eu estaria numa situação pior depois que eu saísse do que quando entrei, porque sou sensível e já falhei dessa forma no passado.

Talvez o leitor me ache um egoísta por pensar nos benefícios que uma relação amorosa me traria, mas (a) todos pensam nisso e (b) o que mais me preocupa são os malefícios.

Eu teria de sair da rotina, não poderia deixar o relacionamento esfriar e eu tenho quase certeza de que a maioria das pessoas do mundo jamais me aceitaria em minha totalidade. Claro que existem as pessoas que mudam por amor, com maior ou menor grau de sacrifício, mas a mudança seria em vão se o relacionamento acabasse e mudanças em aspectos-chave da sua pessoa poderiam lhe deixar infeliz na relação que você tanto queria, uma vez que você, mesmo estando com quem você gosta, é uma coisa que você não gosta.

Ainda não estou completamente seguro da minha sexualidade, mas essas sensações estão vindo com cada vez mais frequência e intensidade. Poderia ser, como o lobo disse, apenas solidão e falta de contato físico. Mas, independente da minha sexualidade, relacionamentos não são, pelo menos neste momento, uma opção.

Yes, really. It’s shocking and all, but isn’t like I changed greatly. I just discovered a possible new part of me. I still love myself as much as I used to.

7 Comentários »

  1. […] sobre os quais chorar… Você deve saber virar-se. E isso me fez pensar no que aconteceu no semestre passado. Me afastar de uma pessoa que talvez pudesse me fazer feliz talvez não tenha sido uma boa ideia. […]

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    Pingback por Cirurgias por todos os lados. | Pedra, Papel e Tesoura. — 6 de março de 2013 @ 18:06

  2. […] Além do mais, me desenvolvi de um jeito que ele temia que eu me desenvolvesse. Herdei emetofobia dele, tive depressão maior, meu peso é catorze quilogramas abaixo da média para minha altura. Todos esses foram problemas que ele teve. Me pergunto se ele se sente culpado por eu ter herdado tantos de seus aspectos negativos. Sei, contudo, que não constituirei família, embora eu quebre o coração dele sempre que eu digo isso, já que um dos maiores sonhos da vida dele é ver meus filhos e minha esposa. Nem sei se posso arrumar uma e ainda ser feliz. […]

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    Pingback por Pai. « Pedra, Papel e Tesoura. — 4 de janeiro de 2013 @ 15:51

  3. […] porque Nietzsche é fácil mesmo. Além do mais, estou livre das duas disciplinas em que um certo gordinho me tirava a atenção das aulas, então posso abrir uma porta na parede e deixar de me policiar […]

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    Pingback por Ausência de dor. « Pedra, Papel e Tesoura. — 8 de dezembro de 2012 @ 13:00

  4. Well, I duno if I can help you much with this phrase you helped me put together after my crisis and such…
    “I like who/wjat I like… if that’s a person and that person is a male, then so be it, if not, then so be it as well…”

    Basically, I took your advice about the “labels” we try to identify ourselves with… I sometimes think I am still bi, but then again I question that feeling and see that I am only attracted to certain guys, but not all (same goes for women)… I also don’t mind if I have a gf or bf; the only thing I care is that that person can meet my “criteria” for a regular freindship: open minded (non judgemental), good sense of humor, some likes/dislikes in common, logic, etc… I don’t really go for the physical (it’s quite rare that I do)…

    Those feelings you have may be for certain reasons and or events that may have happened with said people… you might not know it, but that could be it… maybe you don’t really want an intimate relationship with somone, but rather a close relationship that you know wouldn’t change much if anything goes unexpectedly… I’ve seen some relationships go bad when they are quite intimate (which is my guess as to why you don’t want one), but I’ve also seen that the best kind are the close ones that don’t go too far in depth… I feel those last even longer and are much stronger…

    There are several things you must analyze before labeling yourself… I had to learn that the hard way… don’t pressure yourself, you don’t need to have a label… sure it would make things a lot easier to explain to others, but if it isn’t what you feel is the real you, then you shouldn’t label at all…

    I’m sure these feelings will eventually show a reason for being there… I’m not saying they will go away for sometimes they never do… tho scientifically speaking, it could be hormonal and from the surroundings… I just wish you the best… and don’t worry, mistakes will inevitably happen, you just got to learn to learn from them, which doesn’t mean that you will correct them, just means you’ll get something out of them…

    I hope you the best!! *hugs*

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    Comentário por 1childish1 — 11 de novembro de 2012 @ 14:31

    • You see, I could deny that I’m gay and say I don’t want to hold up that label, but sometimes a person is undeniably gay and dropping the label would have no effect. Just saying, it could be not my case.
      Also, you said that I could be attracted to these people because they could remember of some things from my past that I enjoyed. It makes me think of a friend from when I was 9.
      He was my first “victim”. Since I was even younger than 9, I loved to make him hold his urine in. I liked his appearance back then, short and pudgy. As time passed by, I kept challenging him and he kept accepting. Sometimes he would wet himself. Maybe it could be why I’m attracted to that kind of male (short, chubby, sub, shy), because my fetish is old, very old, and my first experiments with it were with that body and mind type. But part of me doesn’t want to believe that, even if plausible, because it smells like freudian excuse.
      And thanks for caring, I have been thinking a lot about that, about not holding up a label at all, since, even if leaning towards males, I lack some key attributes that gays have while still having a fondness with some female body-parts and a kind of female personality that is getting rare while, at same time, I lack those key attributes of gays, which makes me not applicable for the bi label. Having so many sexual stuff going and coming inside my thoughts might disqualify me as asexual as well.
      I could be just very kinky, it could still be it. But the fact that it never showed up in real life kinda upsets me, because it means that I’m leaning towards real people. It’s hard to be in a relationship when you can’t figure out what you are, unless the other side prompts itself to accept you as you truly are, which requires intimacy.

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      Comentário por Yure T. Kitten — 11 de novembro de 2012 @ 23:28

  5. WHOA! That´s… that´s… whoa! *falls from his chair*

    Sorry, but I´m going to dare what you´re saying, oh come on! it just happened to me hundreads of times!
    Reading to Freud, I´ve just realized that sexuallity is very very easy to deviate and more on this age were both in.

    It isn´t like I actually care if you´re, or you´re not, it is just that would like to help you to overcome this crisis in order to get an answer.
    Those feeling, and it´s intensity are because changes inside our brains because our age. I mean it, once I was unusually happy for no reason at all, and then felt, how quickly, my that “unusual” happiness fadded in just matter of minutes.
    It´s the same thing with this.

    It used to happen to me, a handsome guy, nice clothes… and that stuff, however, I did realized that “that” like was just pure “admiration”
    It is just like when women say that another woman looks good. (wich it´s completly normal in both men and women, it is just that men felt it quite different)

    I did realized because every one of those had something that I liked then: a hairstyle, tallness, an expression… etc., that I would like to have.

    Then, just realized that toward women, the thing changed: a cute girl walks into the metro station, she has that long hair, that face… for me it started from a little curiosity that have been develop the past few months (hope to have a GF by mid 2013)

    Look, I do have this “things” happenig to me just like you, but, like both know, therapy is just useless, and the pills were what, already took you out from depression, then, those feelings and it´s intensity are because chemical changes inside our brains, don´t take those feelings too serious!

    However, like I use to say, this is just my “point of view” and nothing more.

    *hug* Good luck!

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    Comentário por Roger — 9 de novembro de 2012 @ 19:52

    • Thanks for the concerns, Roger. I admit I was reluctant in sharing this because of what my straight friends would think. But you see, my main problem isn’t a shift in my sexuality (and I don’t think it’s admiration either, as the guy looks quite arrogant and judgemental). My problem is that I want to be in control, so I don’t do something I know, deep inside, would make me suffer. I don’t want to be in a relationship, not even with girls, let alone with boys, as it’s generally frowned upon. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not intolerant and I think I would be fine if I was really homosexual, but my problem is that I have several reasons to avoid relationships while, at same time, something in me wants me to be with someone and, while I feel it, all the reasons I have to not date are forgotten, as if my reason was “lifted”. I don’t want my heart in control of me, because, when I get calmer and think about what happened, I remember why I don’t want to date and why life as single person would be much more profitable, enjoyable, easy and generally pleasing, despite the loneliness.

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      Comentário por Yure T. Kitten — 10 de novembro de 2012 @ 14:31


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