Analecto

29 de abril de 2018

On deprivation of affection.

Filed under: Notícias e política, Saúde e bem-estar — Tags:, , , — Yurinho @ 00:51

So, Holocaust21 posted about involuntary celibates bashing Chris Hansen. The post was alright. He then mentioned the recent killing spree by a involuntary celibate man. That made me type the message below in the comment section, but I noticed that I was writing an entire blog post myself. I thought it would be more suitable to write it here.

Those massacres were saddening. You know, I had a similar problem, though not related to being incel, because I’m not incel at all, as I’m not “involuntary” celibate. My problem with women was fear. I spent 20 years scared of them, until I pulled myself together last year. I made a blog post about it, but only in Portuguese. I’m gonna translate it… Also, I no longer think like that, as this entry was written four years ago. Here it goes.

Men are all the same.
Filed under: Health and wellness – Tags: embarrassment , gender , fear , women , problem , sex , sadness , shame – Yure @ 00:53

I will go into detail about my aversion to women, at the risk of sounding offensive. When I was younger, back in kindergarten, I was quite shy in front of the opposite sex. In fact, girls thought and acted differently, and whenever I tried to approach them, I was greeted with laughter because my typical boyish behavior. My appearance and my reactions were funny to them. It was as if I were a constant laugh matter. Then I started to move away from them, although, over time, coexistence with strange females became inevitable and I had to accept them.

Also in my childhood, I was routinely treated badly by my sister, who beat me, yelled at me and made lies about me for my mother. In fact, she made me take on all sorts of tasks, because I was spoiled by my mother and she found it unacceptable that mom would give me no chores. So whenever I was alone with her, I was forced, sometimes violently, to do random tasks. I had an indescribable hatred for her, but she got what she deserved from life (she married a criminal).

As a teenager, I made some female friends, two, to be more exact. I still had some problems with women, but they were small problems, since I had received an egalitarian education. I thought that women are equal to us, men, in their difference, in the sense that differences between genders are nullified by comparing genders. But then I had deep depression for two years, a period in which I began to see my own flaws zoomed 400% in. Depression changes the way people see the world and I began to look at things from a more pessimistic point of view. The feeling of being a constant motive for laughter at the women came back, and I began to wonder why I felt like that. Women had thought processes that I could not grasp and a frightening social intelligence. I felt three steps behind them, literally a retard, but whenever I had to work with them, I felt compelled to accompany them, although I almost always could not. These pressures, repeated by group work and coexistence, showed an unexpected fact to my unusual depressed mind: my egalitarian education was wrong, it is naive to believe that men and women are equal in their difference and women probably already knew that. Suddenly, I was capable of reading thoughts. And reading a book on child psychology that outlined the disadvantages of the male sex (while glorifying girls) had only made things worse.

But that did not stop my hormones. One day, still depressed, I fell in love with a girl and I even confessed my love for her and she confessed hers for me. But how would I maintain such a relationship when I was three steps behind? I have not been able to maintain the relationship and let it cool down. When she finished high school, I have not seen her in years. Recently I saw her on buses several times, dressed as a popular Protestant. I did not talk to her because the simple sight of her face makes me feel like a complete failure.

During the depression, I wondered how I was the only one able to see that egalitarian education was a fallacy. Or at least the only man. Perhaps because women were the main promoters of egalitarian education, and since believing in that is naive, they might be exploiting some kind of natural naivety. But can one speak of “natural naivety”? Maybe this is a stereotype. I constantly heard women, both young and old, say things like “men are all the same,” “no man is worth your time,” “when I marry him, I put him on tracks,” and things like that. Even my mother, after the divorce, filled my ears with that sort of thing. Every time my own mother said such a thing to me I would, although I hate to use this expression, feel very sad. I still feel it. She once told me that marital infidelity is part of the masculine nature and said that my grandmother thinks the same thing. It hurts my heart as I type this, because I feel that even in my mother I can not trust. But why do women think that way? Do we give them reason to think so?

Often, men work for the creation and maintenance of such stereotypes. The word “normal” a standard behavior, but for a behavior to become standard, it must (a) be the behavior of the majority or (b) be a behavior desired by the majority, but not yet adopted. This means that stereotypes are justified because, if most men are “all the same”, “are not worth your time” and need marriage to be “put on tracks,” it can be said that it is normal for men to adopt this type behavior, and thus fall into the stereotype. And in the context in which I was inserted, all men were stereotypes. Again, I was depressed and maybe I was stuck in some kind of exceptionally long nightmare.

With the end of depression, I entered college, aiming for a degree in philosophy. The depression had left sequels and, although I usually comforted myself with the remnants of egalitarian education I had maintained, I still avoided involvement with women. But … even some professors seemed to advocate the stereotypes I had seen in my unusual teenage years. Some even seemed to defend female superiority. Any sliver of my egalitarian upbringing was thus completely pulverized. Men and women are not equal in their difference and it makes no sense to advocate such a thing. Every now and then, I feel defeated solely because of a biological determination, a kind of birth stigma. Do not get me wrong, I like being a man, but I feel like I’m inferior because that.

Tomorrow I’ll be fine and I’ll be able to reason normally again, but this crisis will come back, it always comes back, a little stronger each time. I fear that someday I’ll end up killing myself because of this.

Now, when I re-read this blog entry, I see that I was raised in a misandric environment, where women felt in control and men were cynical about that. I had internalized it. What made me type that thing back in 2014 was my low self-esteem. I eventually concluded that lamenting wouldn’t solve anything, that I had to improve myself and be the best person possible, physically, mentally and socially. When I noticed that I needed self-improvement, I figured that my value as man would increase if I invested in what set me apart from women. So I looked up a list of biological differences (hormone configuration, brain wiring and other stuff) between the sexes and thought of a way to use the positive aspects in my favor and hone the negative aspects into positives too. If I had not done that, I would likely have pulled the trigger (I wouldn’t have gone on a killing spree, because, as I saw myself as inferior, I felt that “revenge” would be unfair and extremely low, rendering suicide as the only fair thing to do).

So, in a way, I can relate to those shooters. My problem was similar to their’s, but I found a solution that suited me, which was self-improvement. Now, I no longer struggle with those feelings and thoughts and have recovered the self-esteem. But my problem isn’t the same as their’s, because my sex drive has always been low. Sex and romance were never a priority in my life, they still are not. I would be okay with dying a virgin.

Freud, in a letter exchange with Einstein, said that it’s impossible to eliminate our innate impulse towards aggression, but it’s possible to tame it by exercising it’s opposite impulse: eroticism. Lack of physical affection is also pointed as a root of violent behavior by Prescott, in his Body Pleasure and The Origins of Violence. A society that attacks manifestations of love, and that includes erotic love, is bound to create violent citizens. Elliot Rodger, for example, his killing spree would have been avoided if he had conditions to be involved with a girl. I think that the “cruelness” he was met with was the same kind of “cruelness” that I grew accostumed to. I don’t know what is the root of that, but many point modern feminism. Spinoza also agrees that, by exercising love, our hate decreases.

Not only our boys don’t experience love, they experience a very specific kind of hate called “neglect”. Someone wrote that girls have been outperforming boys in school for decades. How come no one is doing anything about that? The writer muses that it’s a “bonus”, “a little more than” equality. That’s something to be worried about! If our boys are not going well at school, they have a problem! If you are a parent, you are supposed to worry about that. And what abour their feelings? Dreams, ideas, worries and issues? Nobody cares. That also is hate.

Even though I disagree with the attitude of those shooters (and any other shooter), I am forced to conclude, if we owe credit to Freud, Prescott, Spinoza and pure common sense, that a person as frustrated as they were will come up sooner or later, because all ingredients for a shooter like that are still in place. All conditions remain there: neglect to the issues of boys, misandry (which I experienced a lot), sexual repression and disinformation. Others will come, incels or not.

Last, even if the cause of that is feminism, we must remember that most women aren’t feminists. So, being a woman and being feminist are different things. If you think that the cause is feminism, no matter if you are right or wrong about that, it’s important to not descend into misogyny. After all, the issue of those two incel shooters was their unfulfilled desire for heterosexual affection. So, attacking women, rather than feminism, is counterproductive. Look at Japan: there’s virtually no feminism and both men and women are happy. Plus, attacking feminism is a political stance, which is allowed. Attacking women, however, just for being women, is discrimination, which is a crime. I say that because many incels are anti-feminist and there’s a growing body of media outlets who are portraying all anti-feminists as misogynists, which I find unfair (I take a neutral instance on this issue, but, while there are anti-feminists who are misogynists, I have friends who are anti-feminists and are decent people, including towards women).

Hopefully, I didn’t offend anyone by saying those things. I’m just sharing my experience with the issue and my thoughts on it. If I said anything wrong, please, correct me.

6 Comentários »

  1. Thanks for the very insightful post. I am never sure on whether to descend into misogyny or not. Whilst it’s true that not all women are feminists, it does seem like it’s an ideology that emanates from the female mind. And there are a lot of women who seem to subscribe to it, so I can see why a lot of men would turn into misogynists, myself often included. We especially see on the media basically all women are feminists, and that influences male perceptions of women a lot. But also in every day life there are also a lot of women who come out with feminist views though perhaps with a lower frequency. I don’t for certain know what is causing feminism or if it is even possible to bring the genders back together again. But I suppose misogyny is just about trying to get a reaction, and it’s no less justifiable than feminism (which is misandry) since currently as a movement against feminism we barely exist.

    On your other point about men feeling inferior to women I think that is because feminism exaggerates the importance of female traits and ignores male traits. So things like logic, perseverance and single mindedness are very male traits and they often don’t show in our short media sound bite world. So you’ll get misandristic shows like The Simpsons which makes fun of say, Homer, being a bit slow and then women recognise that tendency in men so they think “oh yeah, Homer is like all men!” but then The Simpsons goes on to make incorrect assertions like the idea that Homer is “stupid” because to women, if someone doesn’t reply to you immediately, or isn’t able to quickly flit between one topic and another whilst keeping an appearance of knowing what they are talking about then women see that as stupid since women do it all the time and find it easy. But where women fall down is they struggle to think as rigorously and deeply as men. Men are good at thinking about one thing and thinking about it thoroughly which requires a lot of brainpower and attention and can be why men aren’t as easily distracted from their thoughts as women. But because of the gynocentric society we live in these strengths that us men have we end up perceiving as a weakness. You said in your other post that men are often better at mathematical processing rather than language processing but that’s not your case. Yet, on the other hand, you’re into philosophy which, whilst it requires language processing skills, it also requires logical ability which you have a lot of in your posts. Many women, though they can write well, often write a quality of content that is nothing more than verbal diarrhea. Oops, perhaps there goes my misogyny again, but, while some women do write genuinely useful stuff, I think there is an element of truth in what I say (feminist writings are an excellent example of that!).

    Curtir

    Comentário por holocaust21 — 29 de abril de 2018 @ 18:03

    • I think we should get more women in your side. In that documentary about men’s rights that you shared (unless it was DJ Trash Porn), almost half of the people speaking were girls and women. If both sexes were on our side, it would be perfect, ideal in fact. We can’t attain that goal, but we can get close, that’s why I try hard not to alienate women, despite not being feminist and despite taking a liberal stance in sexual issues, such as the age of consent.
      Originally, feminism seemed to be worried with equal rights. I can’t remember if it was Locke or Hobbes who wrote it, but they wrote that it’s unfair if a person gets rights and no duties. In Brazil, there are some duties assigned to men only. For example, in Brazil, if you are an adult man, you must serve at least one year in the armed forces. If you don’t, you can not get your citizenship: no voting and no legal jobs would be available for you. Women are exempt from that duty. You don’t see feminists here fighting for that kind of equality. Iceland wants to ban circumcision by changing the text of the law that forbids female circumcision, removing the word “girl” and placing “child” instead. If feminists in my country wanted real equality, they were supposed to fight for that: the abandonement of gender-specific terms in the law. That way, all rights, but also all duties, would be the same for both men and women. But our feminists don’t want that. How? Wouldn’t that be equality? If they don’t want equality, that’s because they are privileged. Or so I think. Please, correct me if I’m wrong.
      From what you say, it seems like misogyny is a response to environment. If I had been “red pilled” back when I was scared of women, I think that my fear would have become hatred. I am pretty peaceful and I don’t see women as inherently bad people, so I have no reason to hate them. But I admit that the propaganda about women and the vilification of men is annoying, unfair and, unfortunately, is everywhere. I can understand why misogyny would be a response to environment.
      I also see a handful of women letting go of feminism as they age. From what I read, modern feminism is much more popular with teenage girls. Some of them reevaluate their views in early 20s. So, if more girls come out as feminist, there’s also a number of girls letting go of it. Hopefully, I’m not sounding like Polyanna, but I have a nasty tendency to feel paralyzed if I only look at the negative side. Seeing things positively keeps me going, because I feel like it’s possible and rewarding to act.
      I never cared much about media when I was growing up. The only reason why I never hated myself for being a MAP was because I disliked to watch the news (still do), making me blissfully oblivious to the stigma. So, it wasn’t because of the media that I became misandric myself, but because of my folks: sister, mother, unrelated girls and even men, including my father. In my case, that wasn’t TV or radio, but my real life social circle that made me feel like trash.
      I discussed some differences between the sexes and how to use them appropriately elsewhere. It was a tiny text that I wrote as advice for people who were in the situation that I was in. From what I see, you already read it. Thanks for the input.

      Curtir

      Comentário por Yure — 29 de abril de 2018 @ 22:01

      • Funny that because theantifeminist would probably say that female sexual jealousy is a key driver of feminism and so it’s actually old ugly hags who want to restrict the sexual rights of younger women (and men) and so, I’d assume older women are more likely to be feminists, or at least those who are at an age where they are hitting the wall. Perhaps 30-40 might be more feminist than 50-60 since by 50-60 their sex drives have probably plummeted so they don’t care anymore, but 10-20 would be hardcore anti-feminist as they are at their sexual prime. But I dunno, you are the philosopher, I’ll leave it up to you to come up with your own Grand Theory Of The Fundamental Cause Of Feminism 😉

        Interesting point on rights and duties, I think Jordan Peterson has also said similar things and probably popularised it more than anyone else!

        Curtir

        Comentário por holocaust21 — 30 de abril de 2018 @ 15:04

        • It would be a long and boring study to check the roots of feminism. Specially because the readily available information on history of feminism is biased, so I would need to spend money and time looking for good sources, specially books. So, that theory will have to wait. I’m more interested in the age of consent at the moment and most material I have is about that. I hope I didn’t disappoint.

          Curtir

          Comentário por Yure — 30 de abril de 2018 @ 15:43


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