Analecto

29 de abril de 2018

On deprivation of affection.

Filed under: Notícias e política, Saúde e bem-estar — Tags:, , , — Yure @ 00:51

So, Holocaust21 posted about involuntary celibates bashing Chris Hansen. The post was alright. He then mentioned the recent killing spree by a involuntary celibate man. That made me type the message below in the comment section, but I noticed that I was writing an entire blog post myself. I thought it would be more suitable to write it here.

Those massacres were saddening. You know, I had a similar problem, though not related to being incel, because I’m not incel at all, as I’m not “involuntary” celibate. My problem with women was fear. I spent 20 years scared of them, until I pulled myself together last year. I made a blog post about it, but only in Portuguese. I’m gonna translate it… Also, I no longer think like that, as this entry was written four years ago. Here it goes.

Men are all the same.
Filed under: Health and wellness – Tags: embarrassment , gender , fear , women , problem , sex , sadness , shame – Yure @ 00:53

I will go into detail about my aversion to women, at the risk of sounding offensive. When I was younger, back in kindergarten, I was quite shy in front of the opposite sex. In fact, girls thought and acted differently, and whenever I tried to approach them, I was greeted with laughter because my typical boyish behavior. My appearance and my reactions were funny to them. It was as if I were a constant laugh matter. Then I started to move away from them, although, over time, coexistence with strange females became inevitable and I had to accept them.

Also in my childhood, I was routinely treated badly by my sister, who beat me, yelled at me and made lies about me for my mother. In fact, she made me take on all sorts of tasks, because I was spoiled by my mother and she found it unacceptable that mom would give me no chores. So whenever I was alone with her, I was forced, sometimes violently, to do random tasks. I had an indescribable hatred for her, but she got what she deserved from life (she married a criminal).

As a teenager, I made some female friends, two, to be more exact. I still had some problems with women, but they were small problems, since I had received an egalitarian education. I thought that women are equal to us, men, in their difference, in the sense that differences between genders are nullified by comparing genders. But then I had deep depression for two years, a period in which I began to see my own flaws zoomed 400% in. Depression changes the way people see the world and I began to look at things from a more pessimistic point of view. The feeling of being a constant motive for laughter at the women came back, and I began to wonder why I felt like that. Women had thought processes that I could not grasp and a frightening social intelligence. I felt three steps behind them, literally a retard, but whenever I had to work with them, I felt compelled to accompany them, although I almost always could not. These pressures, repeated by group work and coexistence, showed an unexpected fact to my unusual depressed mind: my egalitarian education was wrong, it is naive to believe that men and women are equal in their difference and women probably already knew that. Suddenly, I was capable of reading thoughts. And reading a book on child psychology that outlined the disadvantages of the male sex (while glorifying girls) had only made things worse.

But that did not stop my hormones. One day, still depressed, I fell in love with a girl and I even confessed my love for her and she confessed hers for me. But how would I maintain such a relationship when I was three steps behind? I have not been able to maintain the relationship and let it cool down. When she finished high school, I have not seen her in years. Recently I saw her on buses several times, dressed as a popular Protestant. I did not talk to her because the simple sight of her face makes me feel like a complete failure.

During the depression, I wondered how I was the only one able to see that egalitarian education was a fallacy. Or at least the only man. Perhaps because women were the main promoters of egalitarian education, and since believing in that is naive, they might be exploiting some kind of natural naivety. But can one speak of “natural naivety”? Maybe this is a stereotype. I constantly heard women, both young and old, say things like “men are all the same,” “no man is worth your time,” “when I marry him, I put him on tracks,” and things like that. Even my mother, after the divorce, filled my ears with that sort of thing. Every time my own mother said such a thing to me I would, although I hate to use this expression, feel very sad. I still feel it. She once told me that marital infidelity is part of the masculine nature and said that my grandmother thinks the same thing. It hurts my heart as I type this, because I feel that even in my mother I can not trust. But why do women think that way? Do we give them reason to think so?

Often, men work for the creation and maintenance of such stereotypes. The word “normal” a standard behavior, but for a behavior to become standard, it must (a) be the behavior of the majority or (b) be a behavior desired by the majority, but not yet adopted. This means that stereotypes are justified because, if most men are “all the same”, “are not worth your time” and need marriage to be “put on tracks,” it can be said that it is normal for men to adopt this type behavior, and thus fall into the stereotype. And in the context in which I was inserted, all men were stereotypes. Again, I was depressed and maybe I was stuck in some kind of exceptionally long nightmare.

With the end of depression, I entered college, aiming for a degree in philosophy. The depression had left sequels and, although I usually comforted myself with the remnants of egalitarian education I had maintained, I still avoided involvement with women. But … even some professors seemed to advocate the stereotypes I had seen in my unusual teenage years. Some even seemed to defend female superiority. Any sliver of my egalitarian upbringing was thus completely pulverized. Men and women are not equal in their difference and it makes no sense to advocate such a thing. Every now and then, I feel defeated solely because of a biological determination, a kind of birth stigma. Do not get me wrong, I like being a man, but I feel like I’m inferior because that.

Tomorrow I’ll be fine and I’ll be able to reason normally again, but this crisis will come back, it always comes back, a little stronger each time. I fear that someday I’ll end up killing myself because of this.

Now, when I re-read this blog entry, I see that I was raised in a misandric environment, where women felt in control and men were cynical about that. I had internalized it. What made me type that thing back in 2014 was my low self-esteem. I eventually concluded that lamenting wouldn’t solve anything, that I had to improve myself and be the best person possible, physically, mentally and socially. When I noticed that I needed self-improvement, I figured that my value as man would increase if I invested in what set me apart from women. So I looked up a list of biological differences (hormone configuration, brain wiring and other stuff) between the sexes and thought of a way to use the positive aspects in my favor and hone the negative aspects into positives too. If I had not done that, I would likely have pulled the trigger (I wouldn’t have gone on a killing spree, because, as I saw myself as inferior, I felt that “revenge” would be unfair and extremely low, rendering suicide as the only fair thing to do).

So, in a way, I can relate to those shooters. My problem was similar to their’s, but I found a solution that suited me, which was self-improvement. Now, I no longer struggle with those feelings and thoughts and have recovered the self-esteem. But my problem isn’t the same as their’s, because my sex drive has always been low. Sex and romance were never a priority in my life, they still are not. I would be okay with dying a virgin.

Freud, in a letter exchange with Einstein, said that it’s impossible to eliminate our innate impulse towards aggression, but it’s possible to tame it by exercising it’s opposite impulse: eroticism. Lack of physical affection is also pointed as a root of violent behavior by Prescott, in his Body Pleasure and The Origins of Violence. A society that attacks manifestations of love, and that includes erotic love, is bound to create violent citizens. Elliot Rodger, for example, his killing spree would have been avoided if he had conditions to be involved with a girl. I think that the “cruelness” he was met with was the same kind of “cruelness” that I grew accostumed to. I don’t know what is the root of that, but many point modern feminism. Spinoza also agrees that, by exercising love, our hate decreases.

Not only our boys don’t experience love, they experience a very specific kind of hate called “neglect”. Someone wrote that girls have been outperforming boys in school for decades. How come no one is doing anything about that? The writer muses that it’s a “bonus”, “a little more than” equality. That’s something to be worried about! If our boys are not going well at school, they have a problem! If you are a parent, you are supposed to worry about that. And what abour their feelings? Dreams, ideas, worries and issues? Nobody cares. That also is hate.

Even though I disagree with the attitude of those shooters (and any other shooter), I am forced to conclude, if we owe credit to Freud, Prescott, Spinoza and pure common sense, that a person as frustrated as they were will come up sooner or later, because all ingredients for a shooter like that are still in place. All conditions remain there: neglect to the issues of boys, misandry (which I experienced a lot), sexual repression and disinformation. Others will come, incels or not.

Last, even if the cause of that is feminism, we must remember that most women aren’t feminists. So, being a woman and being feminist are different things. If you think that the cause is feminism, no matter if you are right or wrong about that, it’s important to not descend into misogyny. After all, the issue of those two incel shooters was their unfulfilled desire for heterosexual affection. So, attacking women, rather than feminism, is counterproductive. Look at Japan: there’s virtually no feminism and both men and women are happy. Plus, attacking feminism is a political stance, which is allowed. Attacking women, however, just for being women, is discrimination, which is a crime. I say that because many incels are anti-feminist and there’s a growing body of media outlets who are portraying all anti-feminists as misogynists, which I find unfair (I take a neutral instance on this issue, but, while there are anti-feminists who are misogynists, I have friends who are anti-feminists and are decent people, including towards women).

Hopefully, I didn’t offend anyone by saying those things. I’m just sharing my experience with the issue and my thoughts on it. If I said anything wrong, please, correct me.

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