28 de janeiro de 2019

What I learned by reading “I’m in love with an older man”.

Filed under: Saúde e bem-estar — Tags:, , — Yurinho @ 17:24

“I’m in love with an older man” was written by Nicole de Wet, Christina Alex-Ojei and Joshua Akinyemi. Below, what I learned by reading this text.

  1. The purpose of the text is to know the reasons why young South African adolescents and young adults seek relationships with much older men.
  2. To achieve this goal, the researchers obtained data on six hundred and twenty girls and women between fifteen and twenty-four years old.
  3. More than a quarter of the girls and women studied had already engaged or were engaging in a relationship with an older man.
  4. For these girls and women, age is a factor of little importance in the relationship.
  5. Economic stability is one of the reasons why girls and women seek older men, but there are other reasons, with economic stability only ranking fourth on the most cited reasons scale.
  6. Most women and girls who seek men for financial stability are students, widows or divorced.
  7. Economic stability is not the most prevalent reason to seek this kind of relationship: feeling secure in the presence of someone stronger and more experienced is a more common reason for this kind of contact.
  8. So not all girls and women who look for older men are doing so for money.
  9. These men are five, sometimes ten years older than the girls or women who seek them out.
  10. In Botswana, 19% of women reported having a relationship with age disparity.
  11. Counting those who had such kind of relationship, but not necessarily maintained such relationship in the present, the number may be 37.7% or even 41%, depending on the study.
  12. What makes these relationships problematic is not the age difference.
  13. In South Africa, men sometimes think that younger women or girls do not have STDs or have them at lower levels, so they tend to not use condoms when having sex with them.
  14. Thus, the problem of these relationships are social factors that discourage safe sex, resulting in illness or accidental pregnancy.
  15. In addition, there is the problem that some people who have a STD care less about protecting themselves (“I’m already sick anyway”), which results in partner infection .
  16. To qualify for the study, the subject’s most recent partner had to be at least five years older than herself.
  17. Some of the girls and women studied had younger partners as well.
  18. The most cited reason for these girls and women to look for older men is “age is not important,” meaning they did not view these relationships as something too different from relationships with peers.
  19. The second reason most cited was “I feel safe with him”.
  20. The third most cited reason was “none of the above”.
  21. The fourth most cited reason was “he can support me financially.”
  22. The fifth most cited reason was “he is experienced and satisfies me sexually”.
  23. The less-quoted reason was “he does not cheat on me.”
  24. Some women had relationships with men who were eleven years older than themselves.
  25. More than half of the girls and women who reported seeking older men for financial support were unemployed.
  26. Younger girls tended to say “age is not important” more often, while older women tended to say “he can support me financially” more often.
  27. So the older the woman, the more likely she is to be looking for older men because of money (at least in South Africa).
  28. Despite this, half of the subjects studied say that they look for these relationships as if searching for relationships with people of their same age (“age is not important”).
  29. Pleasure, love and adventure are also reasons to look for older people (“he satisfies me sexually”).
  30. Unfortunately, age-discrepant relationships are correlated to having multiple partners (“he does not cheat on me”).
  31. Still, it must be remembered that there is a stigma surrounding the practice of seeking relationships for financial reasons, which may lead some women to hide this fact and lie in the interview.
  32. Because of that, the amount of girls and women who seek older men for money is probably greater than what the data suggests.
  33. But it’s not possible that all those women and girls are lying.
  34. The practice of pursuing relationships for money would be mitigated if there were less poverty.

29 de abril de 2018

On deprivation of affection.

Filed under: Notícias e política, Saúde e bem-estar — Tags:, , , — Yurinho @ 00:51

So, Holocaust21 posted about involuntary celibates bashing Chris Hansen. The post was alright. He then mentioned the recent killing spree by a involuntary celibate man. That made me type the message below in the comment section, but I noticed that I was writing an entire blog post myself. I thought it would be more suitable to write it here.

Those massacres were saddening. You know, I had a similar problem, though not related to being incel, because I’m not incel at all, as I’m not “involuntary” celibate. My problem with women was fear. I spent 20 years scared of them, until I pulled myself together last year. I made a blog post about it, but only in Portuguese. I’m gonna translate it… Also, I no longer think like that, as this entry was written four years ago. Here it goes.

Men are all the same.
Filed under: Health and wellness – Tags: embarrassment , gender , fear , women , problem , sex , sadness , shame – Yure @ 00:53

I will go into detail about my aversion to women, at the risk of sounding offensive. When I was younger, back in kindergarten, I was quite shy in front of the opposite sex. In fact, girls thought and acted differently, and whenever I tried to approach them, I was greeted with laughter because my typical boyish behavior. My appearance and my reactions were funny to them. It was as if I were a constant laugh matter. Then I started to move away from them, although, over time, coexistence with strange females became inevitable and I had to accept them.

Also in my childhood, I was routinely treated badly by my sister, who beat me, yelled at me and made lies about me for my mother. In fact, she made me take on all sorts of tasks, because I was spoiled by my mother and she found it unacceptable that mom would give me no chores. So whenever I was alone with her, I was forced, sometimes violently, to do random tasks. I had an indescribable hatred for her, but she got what she deserved from life (she married a criminal).

As a teenager, I made some female friends, two, to be more exact. I still had some problems with women, but they were small problems, since I had received an egalitarian education. I thought that women are equal to us, men, in their difference, in the sense that differences between genders are nullified by comparing genders. But then I had deep depression for two years, a period in which I began to see my own flaws zoomed 400% in. Depression changes the way people see the world and I began to look at things from a more pessimistic point of view. The feeling of being a constant motive for laughter at the women came back, and I began to wonder why I felt like that. Women had thought processes that I could not grasp and a frightening social intelligence. I felt three steps behind them, literally a retard, but whenever I had to work with them, I felt compelled to accompany them, although I almost always could not. These pressures, repeated by group work and coexistence, showed an unexpected fact to my unusual depressed mind: my egalitarian education was wrong, it is naive to believe that men and women are equal in their difference and women probably already knew that. Suddenly, I was capable of reading thoughts. And reading a book on child psychology that outlined the disadvantages of the male sex (while glorifying girls) had only made things worse.

But that did not stop my hormones. One day, still depressed, I fell in love with a girl and I even confessed my love for her and she confessed hers for me. But how would I maintain such a relationship when I was three steps behind? I have not been able to maintain the relationship and let it cool down. When she finished high school, I have not seen her in years. Recently I saw her on buses several times, dressed as a popular Protestant. I did not talk to her because the simple sight of her face makes me feel like a complete failure.

During the depression, I wondered how I was the only one able to see that egalitarian education was a fallacy. Or at least the only man. Perhaps because women were the main promoters of egalitarian education, and since believing in that is naive, they might be exploiting some kind of natural naivety. But can one speak of “natural naivety”? Maybe this is a stereotype. I constantly heard women, both young and old, say things like “men are all the same,” “no man is worth your time,” “when I marry him, I put him on tracks,” and things like that. Even my mother, after the divorce, filled my ears with that sort of thing. Every time my own mother said such a thing to me I would, although I hate to use this expression, feel very sad. I still feel it. She once told me that marital infidelity is part of the masculine nature and said that my grandmother thinks the same thing. It hurts my heart as I type this, because I feel that even in my mother I can not trust. But why do women think that way? Do we give them reason to think so?

Often, men work for the creation and maintenance of such stereotypes. The word “normal” a standard behavior, but for a behavior to become standard, it must (a) be the behavior of the majority or (b) be a behavior desired by the majority, but not yet adopted. This means that stereotypes are justified because, if most men are “all the same”, “are not worth your time” and need marriage to be “put on tracks,” it can be said that it is normal for men to adopt this type behavior, and thus fall into the stereotype. And in the context in which I was inserted, all men were stereotypes. Again, I was depressed and maybe I was stuck in some kind of exceptionally long nightmare.

With the end of depression, I entered college, aiming for a degree in philosophy. The depression had left sequels and, although I usually comforted myself with the remnants of egalitarian education I had maintained, I still avoided involvement with women. But … even some professors seemed to advocate the stereotypes I had seen in my unusual teenage years. Some even seemed to defend female superiority. Any sliver of my egalitarian upbringing was thus completely pulverized. Men and women are not equal in their difference and it makes no sense to advocate such a thing. Every now and then, I feel defeated solely because of a biological determination, a kind of birth stigma. Do not get me wrong, I like being a man, but I feel like I’m inferior because that.

Tomorrow I’ll be fine and I’ll be able to reason normally again, but this crisis will come back, it always comes back, a little stronger each time. I fear that someday I’ll end up killing myself because of this.

Now, when I re-read this blog entry, I see that I was raised in a misandric environment, where women felt in control and men were cynical about that. I had internalized it. What made me type that thing back in 2014 was my low self-esteem. I eventually concluded that lamenting wouldn’t solve anything, that I had to improve myself and be the best person possible, physically, mentally and socially. When I noticed that I needed self-improvement, I figured that my value as man would increase if I invested in what set me apart from women. So I looked up a list of biological differences (hormone configuration, brain wiring and other stuff) between the sexes and thought of a way to use the positive aspects in my favor and hone the negative aspects into positives too. If I had not done that, I would likely have pulled the trigger (I wouldn’t have gone on a killing spree, because, as I saw myself as inferior, I felt that “revenge” would be unfair and extremely low, rendering suicide as the only fair thing to do).

So, in a way, I can relate to those shooters. My problem was similar to their’s, but I found a solution that suited me, which was self-improvement. Now, I no longer struggle with those feelings and thoughts and have recovered the self-esteem. But my problem isn’t the same as their’s, because my sex drive has always been low. Sex and romance were never a priority in my life, they still are not. I would be okay with dying a virgin.

Freud, in a letter exchange with Einstein, said that it’s impossible to eliminate our innate impulse towards aggression, but it’s possible to tame it by exercising it’s opposite impulse: eroticism. Lack of physical affection is also pointed as a root of violent behavior by Prescott, in his Body Pleasure and The Origins of Violence. A society that attacks manifestations of love, and that includes erotic love, is bound to create violent citizens. Elliot Rodger, for example, his killing spree would have been avoided if he had conditions to be involved with a girl. I think that the “cruelness” he was met with was the same kind of “cruelness” that I grew accostumed to. I don’t know what is the root of that, but many point modern feminism. Spinoza also agrees that, by exercising love, our hate decreases.

Not only our boys don’t experience love, they experience a very specific kind of hate called “neglect”. Someone wrote that girls have been outperforming boys in school for decades. How come no one is doing anything about that? The writer muses that it’s a “bonus”, “a little more than” equality. That’s something to be worried about! If our boys are not going well at school, they have a problem! If you are a parent, you are supposed to worry about that. And what abour their feelings? Dreams, ideas, worries and issues? Nobody cares. That also is hate.

Even though I disagree with the attitude of those shooters (and any other shooter), I am forced to conclude, if we owe credit to Freud, Prescott, Spinoza and pure common sense, that a person as frustrated as they were will come up sooner or later, because all ingredients for a shooter like that are still in place. All conditions remain there: neglect to the issues of boys, misandry (which I experienced a lot), sexual repression and disinformation. Others will come, incels or not.

Last, even if the cause of that is feminism, we must remember that most women aren’t feminists. So, being a woman and being feminist are different things. If you think that the cause is feminism, no matter if you are right or wrong about that, it’s important to not descend into misogyny. After all, the issue of those two incel shooters was their unfulfilled desire for heterosexual affection. So, attacking women, rather than feminism, is counterproductive. Look at Japan: there’s virtually no feminism and both men and women are happy. Plus, attacking feminism is a political stance, which is allowed. Attacking women, however, just for being women, is discrimination, which is a crime. I say that because many incels are anti-feminist and there’s a growing body of media outlets who are portraying all anti-feminists as misogynists, which I find unfair (I take a neutral instance on this issue, but, while there are anti-feminists who are misogynists, I have friends who are anti-feminists and are decent people, including towards women).

Hopefully, I didn’t offend anyone by saying those things. I’m just sharing my experience with the issue and my thoughts on it. If I said anything wrong, please, correct me.

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